Memories of childbirth
Phrases with women's forum of young mothers.
Thank you very much for your kind words midwife. It is so often called me a bunny that necessarily wanted carrots.
On the morning after birth body ached as if I drove on asphalt roller not only along but also across and then another reference check on a diagonal.
Waiting for me to kill. My husband adds fuel to the fire: every night he made a circle around the room with us for the donated baby stroller, "inhibited" by the couch where I was sitting and asked me: "Where is the child?"
I, and after the first pregnancy brain never recovered, and now, when a new belly grows, my tupizm reached apofigeya. Today, I am going to the pharmacy and demanded 2 kg of cucumbers. On a confused response to the youthful Pharmacist: "We do not have cucumbers ..." grumpily and loudly asked: "Well, at least give some tomatoes?". People in line behind me beat in convulsions of laughter. Before I also came only a minute and a half
I'm pregnant to get a job - a month or two on the line has stayed on the phone. And yet! ATAS! The minibus came and said: "Hello, my name is Anna ...." minibus somehow reluctant to me in response to hello.
Came to the osteopath to 7-month, he first, as expected, kept asking, writes ... On a question: "What month?" I frantically dug long in the memory, and finally squeezed - January ... He lost his head, in turn, hold the laughter, asked: "The month of pregnancy?"
Once terribly wanted chicken. Bought the chicken, cooked, I ate. All. After that, I was not very good and the rest of the pregnancy, I could not bear even the word "chicken". On this occasion, in the family, she was renamed the "badger". Ignorant people are very amused in discussions soups badger, badger fried chicken legs, but most of all badgers eggs!
At a reception? "? The doctor, and when I have a date of birth" "And why should you," Indeed, this is what I was suddenly interested? The contractions were strong, between them still managed to call her husband, saying: "I told you in the food and pour snowstorm closed in the toilet, when you break, and then I'll tell you what can not endure!". He laughed.
Tryndets came the morning after childbirth - all the creaking limbs, like a ungreased terminator, I slowly but surely started to move in the direction of the toilet.
When sonny pulled out of the stomach - immediately I saw it was so easy and relaxed, which was drawn into a sleep from exhaustion clearly. I said, "Guys, I sleep, and you have to sew up!" The anesthesiologist shouted: "Do not you dare close your eyes!" I conspired, I'll lie down with one eye open, and the second bed.
My mother told me that when she gave birth to me, in the same ward was a woman who got up on his knees in front of a bedside table, thrust her head back and screamed into it. She was so obviously it was easier to fight move.
On stitching anesthesia still did, and I being anesthetized smiling from ear to ear, I heard the doctor say, "She's cartoons, or something, is looking?"
Me after cesarean trafficked into the corridor, I saw - my husband and son in the hand is worth - this content. We drove up to him and stopped. He asks: "How do you feel?" Me: "OK, just shaking badly." My husband asked the doctor: "why it shakes?". One so seriously replies, "Frost soon!"
Two mothers, both torn, sews doctor humor. Girls are no laughing matter, do not respond. At this time in the corridor shouting: "Ivanovich, where are you-ee ?!" The doctor, without looking up from the seam, "Oh, I do not want to answer right now in rhyme!" Bellow all ...
And when I began to move away in the operating room after cesarean, I open my eyes, all the floats and spins, obvozhu cloudy look around - no one! I think: "Who is a loud shout, summon doctor Ali nurse, learn at least as Lala. In fact, instead of the loud cry, as she wanted, she sounded hoarse, quiet, and somehow slow to utter: "Lyuyuyudiii! Awww, you are where e ?! "Just above his head there was a chuckle anesthesiologist (upward something my eyes are not raised), the same drawling:" We zdeees "! And, when I gave birth to a daughter, frequent fights and had no strength to relax, I was shaking just from the pain, and I began to wail, "Save me, help me! Save me, help me!" The midwife comes and says I'm just like Winnie the Pooh, when he's in a hole Rabbit stuck.
Came the anesthesiologist. In a blue suit and mask. I put a dropper with anesthesia and says, "We'll talk to you right now and you fall asleep." And I look - his eyes are blue-gray, just like the sky ... And I had a languid voice ask: "And what are you doing today in the evening?" And cut down.
Time 4am. I wake her husband, saying, "I have poured out", and he said: "Well, are described, does not happen to anyone ..." and then abruptly sat down, blinks, gets up and starts to cut circles around the room like a wound: "And I what to do, and I do that ?! " Then he remembers that my gynecologist lives in our entrance on the 3rd floor. Running back, ringing the opening. The husband of his sleepy "by the lapels" and screaming "there flows, help !!!" He is trying to get out of the apartment. The doctor, when he realized who and what is flowing, relaxed: "Call the ambulance!"
And then I started cramping from the effort. Krueger rests. Fingers curled up, his mouth slightly open, so the muscles finely trembling all over and I cramp pyhchu midwife: "Leeennnaaa! I paralysis! Save me! "
In a panic, I started to shove all that I would need at birth and after her husband's backpack, just returned from a hike. In the heat of passion with the burden and stomach at the ready, I galloped to the hospital. The waiting room was not even surprised, just asked nicely, they say, why do I still in the hospital tent, places like enough. And I did not notice that she was tied neatly on the other side of the backpack.
Another dad for the first day of discharge of his wife and daughter from the hospital. He sees the wife, then her mother carry the baby in her arms and said: "Yes, you release it to the floor, even to crawl." I have as fun - an audio recording (thanks to my husband) my othodnyaka after anesthesia, when I sewed. In general, I lie on Rakhmanivka already after it was all over, walking beside her husband with a newborn daughter - waiting until I came to, the doctors have gone. And I have at this time glitches ... Chic - schedule a kick-ass, like I'm flying among some orange cubes. And I fly, uh, on the lethal machine ... Her husband said: "Sasha, um, I'm here in the matrix nishtyak.". And then I have another turn, I grab for the side handles Rakhmanivka, and there have the right and the left hand broken off, and then I like ZAOr: "Sasha, a nightmare here in a vehicle steering wheel is broken!"
After cleaning, he departed from the anesthesia - all told about the film and KUB kotopsa in the corridor to stick to all flowing with the question: "Does it seem that I'm a fool?"
I have a second birth - rapid. From the onset of labor until the baby cry passed 50 minutes, I just heard the cry of the midwife: "Do not breathe, and then the child will fly out the window"
Pregnant brain - a gesture. I never thought that the word "Enjoy Your Bath!" Will answer: "Fuck!"
When my sister gave birth (well, to be precise, in the prenatal ward yet it was), then I grabbed the doctor's leg. Well, like begging for mercy ... Since the. On the fingers fingernails were quite long, the first leg is pierced Four-bedded fingers, and then with anger tore at all (this is for what he said to her, that still deliver early). The doctor cursed, tried to take the divorced, but she did so out of hand trouser leg and released. Just after birth could select and then persuaded!
And my uzist said: "Boy! Nuuu, if a girl is born, I bring - for mistakes to be answered! "
Went into labor. They called an ambulance. Arrived. I have a third birth. Fight for contractions. Emergency flashers turned on, cork, and we on an opposite ... with flashing lights! I have hooks, and my husband is sitting in the window watching, joyful reptile still such, and says: "Zai, and we're going on an opposite!" The remaining 10 minutes, I vividly imagined how he beat a frying pan! It becomes easier. They called me an enema for 3 hours after cesarean. Well, the nurse I handled and ran to the other dropper me, then ran for the post it, but I just go along stenochki so quietly, barely. She asked me: "Demidova, you're in the bathroom was?" I said to her in reply: "Nah, I'm running still." And she laughs, another nurse ran to laughter first. And he asks what are you laughing, and she to her, "Demidov Cross delivers on the run"
Before New Year. Procuring food for the holiday. Just walk into the shop - immediately begins kicking the child (in-store music loud, stuffy). Therefore, I make purchases in small portions in half-bent position (otherwise impossible to go). Repeat this several times and are very attracted the attention of customers and staff. I go to the store for the fifth time during the day, taking the basket, go to the stands, and I hear behind the quiet voice guard who makes a report on the walkie-talkie! "Warning Protection The store is the same pregnant I'm up sausages, then to vegetables is Lech, hereinafter list ... Hehe, to whom to give birth begins, the one in the hospital and you are lucky! " So me and drove to the supermarket, as a spy. However, the basket was reported to the register at the same time.
Oral announcement of both! ... demanded euthanasia. In the heat of fights mixed with anesthesia!
36 weeks. I am 20 years old. They put me in advance. At that time it was not so much information available about pregnancy and childbirth. She even kindergarten. All pregnancy was a threat. And then in either eye. In the evening there was a suspicion on the leakage of water. Pelonochku gave me, saying: "sounds like it, then send for analysis." Time 12 o'clock. I can not sleep. I went to the toilet. And I look at this pelonochke is something like a worm with a clear multi-colored stripes. I have started a quiet hysteria. I think - something rebonochka have fallen off. Ask: what it is like? EYE! - it struck me. I nesus in rodzal. Zamglavvracha duty. It takes delivery. I fly and I yell: "Olga, my eyes fell rebonochka!" She pulled a face so. Do mothers have stopped the fight, the midwife dropped a tool. Oil Painting. She tells me: "Come here." I told her shove her diaper. They have started a quiet hysteria: "Durynda - a traffic jam. Go to sleep. Tomorrow we will give birth! "Then the whole hospital to me this eye still remembered for a long time. And I'm starting to understand now why pregnant women on maternity leave are sent - it is not for the welfare of the pregnant woman, and for the sake of the work!
The soul is pregnant - the darkness! A stomach - finally can pipets.
And we swaddle on the cat learned. She was thrilled! By the way, I tell you, baby swaddle lighter than a cat ... A child, though not running away ...
Pregnancy for women - it's like the army for men: time drags endlessly tupeesh, get fat, we always want to eat and sleep.
Once I had a pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. Making the order, I suddenly remembered that my mother asked to buy valerian ... Now imagine the reactions of others, when I said: "I, please, a pregnancy test ... and valerian"
Attempts have gone, there is no ... The doctor said that I did not cry, and made an effort, as if I was in the toilet in a big go. I breathed deeply and began to growl and scream again. The doctor says, "You are great when the toilet, too, so you go yelling neighbors are not afraid?"
Operating on the table laid, and I ask: "And what do you do with the placenta?", The doctor says: "Pasta nautically!"
My husband and I went for an ultrasound. Apparently, the doctor scanner crushed a little kid, of course, he did not like - he began to brawl, and then her husband's catchphrase that we will grandchildren probably recite: "He that is able to move his legs ?!" All - a nurse, a doctor and I five minutes could not stop laughing ... ...
She gave birth to the first epiduralka. Hemming.
I: Oh-she-she !!! Schiiipet.
Doctor: And what do you suggest?
Doctor: Yes? Maybe you also a lick?
And we have a doctor of the world was on postpartum. On the bypass looks at a patient and asks: "Is not you happen to be yelling at birth, that would be better served in the army and shaved every day?" The girl, embarrassed: "Yes, I ...", he goes to her, shakes his hand: "I totally agree with you!"
I have to exchange the map is written: "Bad habits - a cat." It was an obstetrician at us there, handsome - tall, healthy, dark and bright blue eyes. When he arrived, just woke up a neighbor of intensivke after cesarean, and yelled at the whole ward, "Oh, Lord, Angel!" The obstetrician was flattered ... I said that is the best compliment that he had heard.
She gave birth to a girl in front of me and she screamed the doctor: "Doctor, I Kaka !!!" To which she answered the doctor: "Kaka is not Kaka, but farts you bad ..."
And imagine my surprise when I went to the House of crocodile Gena and Cheburashka in his arms and smiled broadly, but because of his back looked old Shapoklyak so cautiously and asked: "How is she?" When the minute I arrived, finally, to recover from anesthesia kesarskogo crocodile gradually turned into my doctor in a green smock, and in his hands he held Sania - brought the show. And the old woman Shapoklyak evolved into my mom ...